WLUExposed.org

Culprit Had A Point

Property Damage Reported: November 21, 2006 Time: 1924 hrs Special Constables investigated a report that an unknown culprit wrote �WLU BLOWS� in the fresh cement in the Dining Hall Quad area. The contractor came to the site and repaired the cement and then covered the area to prevent any further damage.

Hmm...

It's Link-Up Time

Since a new school year is starting up, we are looking for fresh WLU-related blogs and photostreams. Submit your links here. As always, we are also looking for on-campus contributors.

Let's Welcome Our New Corporate Overlords

The appointment of Virginia "Ginny" Dybenko as the new Dean of the School of Business and Economics confirmed all of our secret fears: "business" is nothing but a vocational trade masquerading as an academic discipline, and should be banished from universities.

I'm in no position to comment on Ms. Dybenko's academic qualifications, because she doesn't have any -- no PhD, no academic research. What little academic training she had doesn't even pertain to the field of business or economics. Instead of being hired for her academic work, WLU hired Ginny for her "leadership abilities, coupled with her enthusiasm and vision."

"I intend to help build strong partnerships and a mutually-beneficial dialogue between the corporate community and academia," she said. Holy buzzwords!

However, WLU's buzzword-filled press release doesn't explain that this person will be in charge of an entire academic community, even though she's eminently unqualified for it. Unlike your local Chamber of Commerce, a university should be place where real academic research and debates should be conducted. I find it hard to believe that a person who spent her entire life in corporate boardrooms gets to control the academic pulse of an entire institution.

In fact, Ginny doesn't even seem to care about petty things like research and independent inquiry -- she's all about "the real world." "The connections I've made with corporate executives across the country and internationally will help me bring the real world in."

Indeed. If there's one thing we've all be clamouring for, is more corporate interference in academia.

We always made fun of business students for, well, being nimrods with an inflated sense of self importance. For years, the most academically rigorous exercises done by business students consisted of group work and PowerPoint presentations, and even with these lax standards the School of Business and Economics was frequently rocked by repeated allegations of massive academic misconduct. Thus, this appointment will simply reinforce all of our negative preconceptions about Business as a discipline, and it will ultimately be detrimental to both the university and the School of Business and Economics.

But despite all this, there is still a a saving grace. Ginny makes warm, meaningless statements about students "they are the real heart of the school." And she also wears some bitching turtlenecks ... in every single picture taken of her. Yay.

We're Small. Really.

Today, Wilfried Laurier University celebrated Laurier Day by unveiling its secret recruitment strategy: pretend we're a small, close-knit community.

"The academic quality goes hand in hand with the small class sizes," says the press release posted today on wlu.ca. "The best thing about Laurier is how small the campus is," says Diaz, one of the students quoted in the article. She added, "It's nice when professors actually recognize you."

The ideas of "smallness" and "close-knitted" are repeated 12 times in the relatively short article. This repetition is misleading at best, and malicious at worst. Laurier is not a small school -- it hasn't been a small school in years. The student population nearly doubled in the past seven years, and right now over 10,000 undergraduate bodies collide every day on the main campus alone.

Any school with over 10,000 students is no longer small. To put it in perspective, University of Waterloo, the "big" school, has an undergrad population of 17,000 students -- we are definitely catching up.

To claim that Laurier offers a "smaller" community ignores the reality students encountered every day. For instance, first year classes have ballooned over the previous years. I'll venture to guess that the average first-year lecture at Laurier has well over a 150 students crammed in a tiny space. Laurier has fully embraced mega-lectures, and as a first year student you'll be as anonymous if you go to Laurier as everywhere else.

Of course, things look different in a press releases. Officially, the student-teacher ratio at Laurier is 24-to-1. This ratio is kept artificially low because grad students (and tutorials) are included in the count (and some grad courses have only one or two students enrolled). The 24:1 ratio is not something that first year students will ever get to experience.

Instead, first year students will experience crowded classrooms, constant line ups, crowding, and extremely little interaction with their instructors. In this way, Laurier is no different than any other university in Ontario that has had its budget savaged by deep government cuts.

It's disingenuous to suggest that Laurier is "small," even though it's true that 10,000 bodies are crammed into a very small space. The only reason the community is so "intimate" is because the campus is so crowded you'll have a hard time moving from one end to the other without rubbing against everybody else. Laurier is "intimate" in the same way a packed subway car is "intimate." And that is nothing to brag about.

Girls! Girls! Girls!

I somehow missed this gem of an article in the Imprint until the inimitable Mark Ciesluk brought attention to it in yesterday's Cord. "Just because [Waterloo] girls have brains, doesn't mean they can't be ridiculously attractive young ladies," writes Landon Mitchell, who's on a desperate quest to get laid (he concludes the article by begging for a date). I find all this deliciously amusing. Others do not.(link).

In other Laurier news, the furror over Faqiri continues. Infidels! When Faquiri will take over WLU next year, the Cord writers will be the first up against the wall. And that Laura Gray woman.

Lastly, someone finally questions the wisdom of hosting an Open House at Laurier on St. Patrick's day, when everybody's crazy-drunk. What the hell were they thinking?

The Cord Makes Me Pee My Bed At Night

This week's Cord brought us not one, but three fantastic stories that got us shaking our head:

First, Yusuf Faqiri, Laurier's most ineffective director, was asked to resign after missing over 60 percent of this year's board meetings and looking horribly bored at the other 40 percent. "I will not," he said, and best of all, nobody can make him.

Faqiri will also "serve" on next year's board of directors, demonstrating his committment to act like a painful, reccuring sexual disease (link).

Second, a fantastically inept review of Fringe appeared in The Cord. The best quote was about Corwin's videos:

Giant Robots are Key was a low-budget film of a guy wearing aviators and a helmet, talking about how he will use robots to take over the world. Repetition of certain phrases, such as "Giant robots are key" made this film confusingly funny.

Low budget. Ahem. That's pretty much the main idea of Fringe. The man with the aviator glasses will no doubt extract cruel revenge on the writers of the article.

And last, The Yes Men came on campus. Jason Shim, one of the organizers of the event, has an entire photoset up on flickr.

Get Up on Stage And Be Other People

Laurier Fringe happened. And everybody is writing about how great it was. Check it out:

We Are Fringe (Tudor's post)
Fringe Update (Phil speaks of awesomeness)
The epic of Fr!nge (Amy's post)
I Still Have Time to Punch that Homeless Guy in the Face (Sherry's post)
Thing Our Thong (Corwin's mean reviews)
I Can Program A VCR (Corwin's post)
Free Anarchy (Corwin's Fringe videos)
My Fringe photos

WLUSP Fringe photos

And now we can talk about your favourite plays.

Do Things, Laurier

The Cord just came up with 101 things to do in the Waterloo region. Some suggestions are good (build a snow penis on Willison field), some are questionable (do a keg stand), and others are just illegal. As to those suggestions given by Dr. Rosehart, well, they just sound wacky ("see the Mennonite culture in full effect").

Here are some of my favourite suggestions from the list (accompanied by photos where necessary):

See at least one movie you've never heard of at Waterloo's Princess Cinema
Go to the Waterloo Busker Carnival in the summer.
All that mud that covers Willison Field in the Spring? Throw on your least favourite sweats, get some friends, and get dirty.
Do the Brick Brewery tour and 'sample' the unlimited beer.
Have sex on campus.
Go to Elora Gorge.
Check out the Farmers' Market for good deals on food and explore the town of St. Jacobs.
Go to the Butterfly Emporium in Cambridge. (link)

And here are some of the things that are not in the list, but are enjoyable all the same:

Pick up garbage by the river with your favourite girl.
Make mad, passionate love near the sewage treatment plant.
Drink red, red wine at poetry readings and collapse into a tender mess.
Drift down sewage channels in a rubber boat.
Find a rusty bridge to fall in love on.
Get your nipples pierced in shady parlours.
Grope your half-naked friends on a rubber mat on the hallway leading to the cafeteria.

What would you add to the list, Laurier?

(Link)

Student Elections To Be Replaced By Gameshow

Laurier students cast nearly as many ballots for the next WLUSU president as for the Laurier Bachelorette. Terry Teixeira won the Bachelorette contest with 1,092 out of the 2,600 ballots cast. This makes him nearly as popular as Allan Cayenne, who won the WLUSU presidency with with 1,743 out of the total 2,826 votes.

Laurier's startling enthusiasm over pop-culture games lead to speculations that next year's WLUSU election will be replaced by a giant gameboard with contestants eliminated at various stages for lack of sexiness.

Fringe Online

Laurier's Fringe festival now has a blog and 10 student-written plays that will debut at the beginning of March. If this fringe is going to be anything like previous fringes, you can expect much drunkeness, poetry, and perhaps even naked men.

Perhaps you should buy some tickets.

Election Results Mix Joy with Tears

The results of the 2006 WLUSU election are now online. Unfortunately, Dave Alexander did not succeed in his bid to be the next WLUSU president, despite being so damn handsome. However, some of our other favourite people did get into office, and will hopefully do good things.

In another hotly contested vote, the PIRG referendum passed and hippies everywhere shared hugs. Yay

In other news, Yusuf Faqiri, who was voted the "most ineffective" director by his fellow directors, was re-elected to the Board of Directors. A Moterfucking Rainbow will represent students on the Board of Governors.

Link Love: Some election-night photos are available in the WLUSP stream.

"We Suck Your Vital Bodily Fluids," Candidates Say

According to the latest campus pictorial, the three WLUSU presidential candidates managed to suck all the precious bodily fluids from the student body. Just look how pale everyone else is!

This is not a good thing. Wipe that smirk off your face, David Alexander!

Borrelli's Cup of Bitterness

Ex-Director Mike Borrelli proves that he's still got what it takes to rate this year's BOD candidates: bitterness. Go read his reviews -- they're awesomely penetrating. I hurt all over from laughing, especially after reading gems like these:

Yusuf Faqiri � Oh. My. God. This guy is running again? Yusuf has the distinction of being the worst candidate I've ever encountered, and quite possibly the worst WLUSU candidate to ever grace the institution. The fact that he is actually up for RE-ELECTION is pretty astounding to me.

Greg Sacks - Greg, let me make one thing clear, above all else: You have no platform whatsoever, so do not cry when students realize this and you aren't elected on February 2nd.

Josh Periard - Try waking up next to someone on the MC, and as you're trying to find you pants, suggest to them you'll be voting against their $4000 trip to New York for an MC vacation.

Bryn Ossington - Bryn believes, like many students do, that WLUSU can play a positive part in students life beyond simply giving them volunteer experiences, or places to eat expensive food.

Jonathan Kit - If given the opportunity to pursue your goals, I'm sure you'd forget about them after a few weeks of boring weekly meetings and start trying to bang one of the VPs or FRC reps

Freddy Enriquez - Your platform is pure crap. Thanks for wasting a precious few square inches in the Cord that could have been better used by strip-club advertisements, or misogynist rants.

Asif Bacchus � What the hell...This platform is awful. Asif, have you ever attended a BOD meeting? Have you ever gone to talk to anyone in WLU's administration? If you did, you'd realize that your ideas are idiotic, and you'll never accomplish them.

Background: Mike Borrelli retired from WLU politics in 2003 to write eloquent diatribes on his excellent blog about how much WLUSU/WLUSP politics suck. And he's a better man for it.

Poster Bliss (Part III)

Sherry sent me her poster review about a week ago. However, because I'm a lazy mofo I didn't get around to posting them until today. Enjoy!

Josh Periard - Alright, +1 for actually saying RE-elect. This tells the voting public that you've sat through one boring year on the BOD getting nothing done and you're eager to go back for more. Also, what kind of gateway are we talking about here? Is this like in Quantum Leap where you're going to inhabit my body to save/improve my life and/or connect me more intimately to WLUSU? If yes, then why are you blocking the entrance to the FNCC, the direct PATHWAY to WLUSU? Hmmmm... I'm getting mixed messages. I give you a 3+ for being stupid/smart/brave enough to run again.

Bryn Ossington Vertical - This poster does everything right. It has a non-stereotypical, yet attractive picture. The text, font, and colour are clear and so is the message. I'm supposed to vote for you for WLUSU BOD and Senate because you're a nice guy. I dig it, good job. Also, the poster is flipped in a CRAZY and therefore fascinating orientation. You get a 4 - that's good.

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Bryn Ossington Horizontal - Old lady wallpaper! I like it. Very OK-GO. Again, very clear text and message, and there's a sense of whimsy without the poster being too cluttered. Most excellent! Party on! Tubular! You get a 4+.... I only wish your name had an "S" in it because I would have loved to see you attempt that shit.

Laura Gray Vertical - I think last year your posters were grey and green. This year they are grey and dark grey (or purple-ish grey, what the hell colour is that anyhow?) I think you're trying to be "punny" but really....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.... Oh, sorry I fell asleep marking your poster. Right, boring, moving on. - 2

Laura Gray Horizontal - oh sweet zombie jesus. More of this crud? Guh. STOP. Please stop. You're giving me narcolepsy.

Allan Cayenne - I get that the school colours are purple and gold. We KNOW that so you don't have to use them on your poster. If you're going for the school spirit angle just pose with the football team and the Vanier Cup. We all know you want to. Also, text over other text is bad form. Am I voting for "Fred Campus Allan Cayenne for WLUSU President?" Also glare on your glasses makes you look shifty, not smart. Also, ties are pretentious as fuck. STOP WEARING TIES PEOPLE, I don't need an arrow pointing at your crotch to remind me that you are a man. Clearly only men can run for president of anything, we know, we get it. Congrats for employing a nice twist on the traditional triumvirate of buzz words. Let this be a lesson kids - if you can't think of three buzz words, use your name to fill in the last space. More name = crazy delicious. 2+

David Alexander - ugh... is this the same guy who had a crazy pom-pom hat last year? Has someone stolen your hat and therefore your soul like in the Bugs Bunny cartoon? These two shades of blue are very ineffective. It makes you look washed out. Also you are very, very tiny. I don't want to vote for a tiny man for president. The poster is clear, but perhaps too clear. Too much white space, I feel lost and alone when I look at it. I hope your second round of posters are better than these. 1+

Josh Smyth - This one is clear, but ugly... and creepy. The leather jacket takes me back to the days of Sean Simpson. *shudder*. If you're going to spend the "bling" to print in colour then use some colour for crying out loud! You look like you're either hiding something or you just passed gas. In any case you seem overly enthused and that makes me suspicious... like you're going to paint half my house purple and then take off. I can't get behind that. Now pick up my sweat socks and make me some dinner. 1+

Matt Park - I am amazed at the lack of buzz words in all the posters. Kudos to you people. You make my life just a little better. Matt, you should have outlined your name in black so that we could see it. I feel like I'm looking at one of those posters that were popular in the 90's where you have to stare at it and cross your eyes before you can see the image. You get marks for simplicity, but then you lose marks for too much flash. You're fading away like grandpa. -3

Lee - Is that your last name or your first name? Are you on vacation and having the picture transmitted by satellite? You are blurry, and that makes me nervous. Also, goldenrod yellow should not be used for any purpose, ever. The End. 1+

Colin LeFevre - MAN, I totally wish I could have designed your posters. A name like that has awesome written all over it. Instead you bathed your message in an ugly blue powerpoint vortex. I don't know what you're trying to suck me in to, but I want no part of it. Instead of your lame design, I would have said "Catch LE FEV-RE" like Fever, with an accent! Awesome-town. And I thought I told you to TRIM THOSE SIDEBURNS!" You get a 3.

Karen Gottfried - Gone is the dominatrix of years past! You have learned well Karen. I commend you for not being scary this year. I also commend you on a great poster: it's simple, informative, and showcases the four trees left on campus. Love it. AND you have a website! (sort of). You get a 4+

Mark Ciesluk - You, my friend are WIN. I laughed, I cried, I wet my pants. This has to be the single greatest WLUSU election poster I have ever seen... (with a special exception going out to Tudor for using "erection" and leopard gloves during his campaign). When you win we MUST go drinking. 4++

Adam Booth - Vote Liberal! Ugh... I mean Booth. I'll say it one more time... TIES are NOT GOOD. BAD TIES BAD! Also, your teeth are whiter than your shirt and that freaks me out. Vote best what? Teeth? You haven't given me any ideas (and according to your website you apparently refuse to) so what "best" am I voting for exactly? Vote Buzz Word! Vote Booth!

Emily Ansen - Alright, I like the design, but the fonts are difficult to read and you need to find the "tab" key. Toss some bullets in there, no one likes the little line. I'll give you points since the slogan is catchy and you actually put some REAL ideas on your poster. All in all, this is somewhat less sucky than most of the posters, therefore I like it. You get a 3.

Poster Bliss (Part II)

Time for some more poster reviews. If you see a poster or a candidate that bothers you, why not write about them in the forums?

Laura Gray (WLU BOG)

Jason says: Elect for WLU Board of Governors Laura Gray? Yoda you speak like, yes? F.

Corwin says: When I was in my last year of high school I made a fake poster for one of my friends by quickly scribbling his name on a piece of lined paper and "fuck the cool kids" in really big, underlined letters. Despite being threatened with a suspension, that poster was still more effective than this one. Maybe if your last name was "A Motherfucking Rainbow" and you used those colours...

Tudor says: Jesus! This poster needs more motherfucking rainbow!

Laura Gray (WLU BOG)

Jason says: Zzz. F.

Corwin says: A Motherfucking Rainbow. Seriously.

Allan Cayenne (WLUSU Pres)

Jason says: Alright, I'll give him the experience as a VP in WLUSU this year, but what's this about diversity? All I see is a single minority male in the poster. Oh, I forgot. At Laurier, that IS diversity. :P I give you a haircut.

Corwin says: Fuck diversity in the ear. Laura A Motherfucking Rainbow says she's championing for diversity on her website too. I'm calling bullshit on both of you. What are you willing to do for the disenfranchised cynic? Wearing purple and gold all the time isn't enough, not if you're running for president.

Tudor says: Perhaps it is possible to smile less.

]]> David Alexander (WLUSU Pres)

Jason says: Simple. I give you Mr. Rogers. C.

Corwin says: I fucking warned him not to smirk for his posters. I told him, "Dave, if the West Wing has taught us anything, it's that smirking isn't good if you're a political candidate - even if you're the leading Emocratic candidate - appealing to the voters." You scorned my advice and now look at you, you condescending sonofabitch. You haven't won anything yet (except my heart).

Tudor says: Perhaps it is possible to smile more. Also, never get your posters designed by a committee -- they'll try to whitewash your great hippie heritage and leave you looking tight and stupid. When the revolution comes, your handlers will be the first up against the wall.

Josh Smyth (WLUSU BOD)

Jason says: Work, eh? What kind of "work"? This isn't the Full Monty. I want to send this guy an email. If he washes my dishes, I'll vote for him. I give you a makeover.

Corwin says: But will the pity vote be enough to get you into office?

Tudor says: Did I ever mention that I like creepy posters. This one gets my heart pumping!

Matt Park (WLUSU BOD)

Jason says: I give you a tarzan suit. C.

Corwin says: From one person that overuses stroke to another: you've overused stroke. Yellow stroke? What were you thinking? Nice shirt.

Tudor says: While you're certainly not a waste of a vote, you're a great waste of colour, Mr. Park.

Lee (WLUSU BOD)

Jason says: Ba jee wa. Wtx wl be apow awlj a bw e we wieaof jweewof aweof. Does that make sense to you? No? Well, neither does your poster. I give you a flash unit.

Corwin says: FOCUS.

Tudor says: So you take blurry pictures of yourself in strange places. I'm so voting for you!

Colin LeFevre (WLUSU BOD)

Jason says: Swirley and hypnotic. And very, very blue. Suspicious. Like Stephen Harper. This poster would have done well to have a pronunciation key. Is it Le Fee-ver? Or La Fev-Ra? C.

Corwin says: Your self-satisfied grin says bad, but your sideburns say good. The squiggly lines form a sailboat if you focus just right.

Tudor says: Mr. LeFevre, you fail at life. Why didn't you use your fantastic last name in a slogan instead of the numbing, swirley words you selected. "Catch LeFevre" is a lot catchier than "elect Colin or else he'll pilage your villages with his angry sideburns."

Keren Gottfried (WLU BOG)

Jason says: We have trees on our campus? What? Bonus marks for a poster that has some sense of unity. I give you some granola.

Corwin says: You have pretty eyes.

Tudor says: More cowbell.

Mark Ciesluk (WLUSU BOD)

Jason says: I'm not sure if Mark understands the implications of "Anything less would be uncivilized". It works when you're selling deodorant, but when applied to a candidate, huh? You're the lowest acceptable indicator of civilization? Damn. I give you a banana.

Corwin says: Vote best... vote booth? Would Jesus say that? No. Jesus wouldn't be a punk ass bitch, he'd say something like "Get sex in voting Booth!" Sure, people will be pissed when they don't get serviced in the voting booths but you'll have gotten them there.

Tudor says: This is by far the best poster in the first round: the combination of booze and hairy men is pretty much irresistible.

Adam Booth (WLUSU Pres)

Tudor says: I'm glad you're proudly displaying your fraternity's colours on your poster, Mr. Booth. Unfortunately, your posters are as uninspiring as your slogan. Or as Dave Alexander's.

Emily Anson (WLUSU BOD)

Jason says: Afforded food and housing, fair enough. Campus space for community groups. Sounds good. Improved special needs services. Wait a minute. Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, that was Yusuf Faqiri's platform last year. If you promise not to do absolutely nothing, you got my vote. B.

Corwin says: "...you got" makes my brain explode, and not just because it's hard to read "only." Sadly your campaign for all things affordable will just ostracize you from the rest of the BOD and you'll be left ineffectually sitting around at the BOD meetings trying not to fall asleep. The BOD isn't about helping the poories, it's about taking their money to get a better sound system for the Foot van.

Tudor says: I give you full marks for creativity, especially considering that you had to draw in your own body in this poster (about bods). The crayon look doesn't do it for me though.